


Reflect

by princ3ssf33t



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Not Beta Read, Post-Episode: s04e10 Jedi Night, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:54:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28438695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princ3ssf33t/pseuds/princ3ssf33t
Summary: The face in the mirror that watched her was a stranger. There were dark circles under the stranger’s eyes, and they were bloodshot from the tears that had flooded them. The cheekbones that had always been a feature on her face were sharpened and more prominent on the stranger’s face. Even the green color of their skin was wrong.“I don’t want to have a baby,” the stranger said.
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	Reflect

Hera folded over herself as she crumbled down to the refresher’s floor. Her knees hit the durasteel floor and she made no note of the chill that seeped through her flight suit, nor the pain that radiated from her knees at the contact. The sudden tears that sprung up from the depths of her eyes refused to disappear, choosing only to roll heavily down her cheeks. Her hands clutched tightly at the sides of her flight suit, desperate to cling to something, even if it was just herself.

As if holding herself would keep her from shattering entirely. 

Her breath came in gasps. She couldn’t remember when she started sobbing, but Hera supposed it didn’t matter. Ever since Kanan’s— ever since  _ that night _ , Hera’s found the grief always lurking beneath the surface and the smallest thing would set off the tears. The most innocuous things as well. She had pulled out an empty box from one of the galley cupboards, and for a moment, she was about to march to Kanan’s cabin to scold her partner about not removing the empty box from the cupboards, when the memory hit her and she had practically collapsed there in the galley. 

It wasn’t until Zeb raced into the galley, that she was able to regain her senses enough to realize that Kanan wouldn’t have been the one to leave the box in the galley, he never ate that particular ration bar, as a human he wouldn’t have been able to digest it. That had almost had her breaking down again, but she managed to put on a brave face for Zeb as she walked out of the galley back to her cabin. 

But this. 

This would break her. 

Hera’s forehead touched the cold floor. Her lekku fell around her head and slapped heavily against the durasteel. She ignored the sting that came from the feeling and the shivers that ran down her spine at the cold sensation. Despite the chills running through her body, the ice of the floor felt good against her feverish skin. 

How could this have happened? 

How could she have let this happen? It shouldn’t even have been possible. She’d heard rumors about such things over her many years traversing across the galaxy, but she never thought anything of them. There was never time between the Rebellion against the Empire and the sudden raising of two teenagers in the midst of it. 

Absently, she wondered where said teenagers were. If they were to hear her distress they would come running to her rescue. But she heard no sound of anxious voices, felt no reverberations of running feet through the durasteel, and she was still alone. 

Slowly, the gasps slowed, and Hera began to take deep breaths again. The smell of sweat and tears mixed with the scents that were normally found in the refresher. The faint odor of bleach and hair dye that belonged to Sabine, Zeb’s musky smell that never left the refresher, and that undetermined smell Hera associated with teenage boys. 

She reached up and grabbed the counter and pulled herself to a standing position. Hera leaned heavily against the counter, her arms shaking. She wasn’t sure if the shaking came from the revelation she had just learned, or if it was because she hadn’t been able to force herself to eat much more than a few bites of a ration in the days since that night. 

The face in the mirror that watched her was a stranger. There were dark circles under the stranger’s eyes, and they were bloodshot from the tears that had flooded them. The cheekbones that had always been a feature on her face were sharpened and more prominent on the stranger’s face. Even the green color of their skin was wrong. 

“I don’t want to have a baby,” the stranger said. 

Not Hera. Hera remembered the dreams she had when she was a young girl, before flight and ensuring freedom was restored to the galaxy became her main dream. As she grew up, the dream never left her, just grew with her. Her, Kanan and Chopper flying free through the stars. Then Zeb and Sabine found their way in. And by the time Ezra found them and became the unexpected Spectre Six, she thought that she had achieved, in her own way, the family she had dreamed of since she was a little girl when her mother and brother died. 

Hera dropped her hand down to her flat stomach. The stranger copied her in the mirror. Hera was unable to tear her eyes from the twi’lek there. She wore the same clothing as Hera, but she wasn’t anything like Hera. 

She was broken, and Hera hated her for that. Hera wasn’t broken; she couldn’t be broken. Not when she had so much left to do. 

Hera tore her eyes from the stranger in the mirror. She didn’t have the stomach to look at that stranger that was attempting to steal her place. Her eyes dropped down to the test that told the news. 

Positive, it read. 

The swelling need to empty her stomach came up, but Hera held it back. There was nothing in her stomach anymore. She had expelled everything that had been inside it the night before when she attempted to drink some caf. 

The nights were too cold and too haunted for her to sleep. 

She rubbed her stomach, as if that would soothe the anxiety out of her. She knew that if she closed her eyes, it would be easier to pretend that it was Kanan’s hand resting over their child growing inside her. That they would be able to accomplish their mission and do all the things they had talked about in the middle of the night when they cuddled together, sweaty and satisfied underneath her sheets. That Kanan would be able to hold his child, to love them just as fiercely as he loved Ezra, or Sabine. 

She refused to close her eyes. 

Her hand continued to circle her stomach as she forced her thoughts to go over the plan that they were concocting. Ezra had really stepped up and taken charge in Kanan’s absence. Pride swelled inside Hera at the thought. He’d been taught so well. Kanan would have been proud to see the young jedi knight stepping into the leadership role that had so often been forced upon others. 

The stranger in the mirror whispered in Hera’s ear cones that she was failing him. Hera didn’t know which him the stranger was whispering about, but she ignored it. 

“I promise,” Hera didn’t think of how her voice sounded like the stranger’s in the mirror. “I won’t let anything happen to you  _ keella _ . Not while I still draw breath. I swear it.” 

Hera lifted her head and stared into the mirror at the stranger that still watched her every move. There was a firmness around their mouth, and Hera lifted her chin in response. The stranger did as well, but Hera leaned in and pointed at the stranger with the mockery of her face. 

“Don’t think you’re going to win,” she told the stranger. “You’re not going to break me. I will raise this child, and I will do it without the Empire looming over everyone’s heads.” 

Satisfied that the stranger finally had fallen silent in the mirror, Hera took a step back and nodded once. She lifted her hand and wiped away any trace of the tears she had shed during this episode. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. When she finally had her breathing under control, she opened her eyes and palmed the test into her hand without looking down at it. Hera slipped the test into her pocket, lest any of her crew need the refresher and decided to confront her and ask questions. 

She didn’t think she would be able to give them the steady answers they needed. 

Hera stepped out of the refresher and walked down the hall searching for the remaining members of her family. Already her mind was refocusing on the mission that was being laid out in front of them, and leaving the breakdown she had just experienced behind her, like she had with all the others. 

There was nothing to dwell on. Everything the mimicry of her had told Hera over the past couple of days— weeks?— were all lies intent on breaking her resolve. She wouldn’t give into its lies. Not when there were so many people depending on her. 

Hera ignored it all. Even the truth that lingered in the air. She didn’t want to have a baby. Not really. 

Not without Kanan. 

**Author's Note:**

> When I sat down to write recently, I wanted to write something fluffy, cause I was feeling the holiday mood. Alas, instead, this was what came out. 
> 
> According to the online translator I found, Keella means Darling. I'm not sure how accurate that is, but it felt right to include.


End file.
